How to Overcome Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Does the thought of commitment make you cringe? Yet, deep down, you crave the closeness and connection of a romantic relationship.

If you nodded yes to or recognized these patterns in your partner, you may have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style (an insecure attachment style).

People with this particular attachment style are sometimes called “love avoidants.”

But let’s take a step back for a minute.

John Bowlby created attachment theory in the 1960s. Bowlby stated that people develop an attachment style in childhood based on their experiences and relationships with their caregivers or parents.

There were four: dismissive or fearful avoidant, securely attached, and anxious attachment style.

These attachment styles were believed to stay with people for life, meaning you could never change that. It’s an outdated claim that has been debunked (this blog highlights how you can do it).

That’s what this article covers. We’ll look at the causes of dismissive attachment style and how to lean into secure attachment, so you can experience intimacy and love without feeling trapped.

Let’s dive into how to heal your dismissive-avoidant attachment!

Firstly, let’s look at the core wounds…

The Core Wounds of the Dismissive Avoidant

Core wounds are the innate negative beliefs we have about ourselves, which come in the form of “I am” statements. Each attachment style has its own core wounds, but they can overlap with each other.

The two most commonly seen core wounds in dismissive avoidant individuals are: “Something is wrong with me” and “I am unsafe”.

If you know or think you have this insecure attachment style, but don’t resonate with these core wounds, it’s because they’re planted in the deep layers of your subconscious mind. They still affect you, so it’s important that you look at healing them.

Maybe you recognize feeling trapped, criticized, or misunderstood in relationships, leading to resenting your partner. Those feelings are consequences of one of the core wounds.

The good news – when you heal the core wounds, you also heal the limiting beliefs and negative thought patterns they give rise to! You'll be able to form healthy physical and emotional connections in adult relationships.

How do these attachment wounds arise? As with all attachment styles, they first show up in childhood. Avoidant children grew up with absent parents or caregivers. They learned to be independent and self-soothe and often turned to things instead of people for comfort—for example, video games, TV series, or food.

Therefore, they construct the belief that they have to fend for themselves and avoid getting emotionally attached to someone to not get hurt.

These core wounds can present themselves in relationships, causing difficulties in establishing connections, getting intimate, and building a future together.

Here’s what to look out for when dating an avoidant.

Signs You’re Dating a Person With An Avoidant Dismissive Attachment Style

Avoidant dismissive individuals can display some very clear-cut signs, particularly when you’re dating one of them. Keeping an eye out for these avoidant tendencies can determine if you (or your partner) have this insecure attachment style.

• They’re very independent. They love the idea of doing things by themselves and don’t want any help. Significantly, they get worried if they lose their freedom or independence when they get into a serious or long-term relationship (more on this trait below).
• They struggle with communication, often keeping their feelings bottled up or to themselves. Because they can’t communicate correctly or fear being vulnerable, they often sit with their emotions.
• They’re afraid of being vulnerable with others, such as sharing memories or past traumatic events or experiences. They avoid emotional situations because it feelings overwhelming and they associate it with helplessness.
• They escape into things they like to do to avoid conflict as they don’t have a coping mechanism for it. This can include watching TV, listening to music, or exercising.
• They don’t like conflict at all because it triggers their core wound of being unsafe. They often find themselves in a “fight or flight” response to avoid situations.
• They struggle with criticism, taking it personally. They have issues with shame and guilt, making them extra sensitive to any criticism from a partner or friend.
• They have low emotional bandwidth, meaning they don’t emotionally connect with someone often. They rather connect on a superficial level despite their desire to form connections.

Those are just some of the common avoidant tendencies.

Now, let’s take a look at what happens in a long-term relationship.

How a Dismissive Avoidant Behaves In Relationships

A dismissive avoidant person needs space when dating or in relationships, which can be confusing for their partner as they think that they’re “just not that into them”. They crave bonds and closeness but find themselves acting out when they get too close. This is due to lacking trust in others, hence creating a strong emotional distance.

In reality, they just need independence and self-sufficiency in a relationship – and it’s up to their partner to determine whether that’s a dealbreaker or something they can compromise on. The invitation for you is to become aware of when your need for distance is a way of running away from your feelings and when you just want to be in your own energy.

In severe situations, they might also suddenly breakup with someone. It’s a common trait because as they get emotionally close to a fulfilling relationship, they fear they'll lose their independence. So in response, they dump the person.

This is triggered by core wounds of "I am weak when I’m vulnerable" and "I am trapped".

However, they might come to regret the decision later on but won’t show it. Yet, if they feel that are given the independence and self-sufficiency they want need in a relationship, they won’t feel the need to breakup.

Dismissive avoidants can act aloof, making others think they don’t feel deeply. They do – they have just learned to hide it. Often, they are highly sensitive to criticism since it triggers their core wound of being flawed. A simple misunderstanding or constructive feedback can be interpreted as an attack on who they are. This might be one of the most important things to be aware of as a partner.

Another trait commonly seen is a scarcity mindset. Growing up, people with this attachment style often learned that there wasn’t enough. This can lead to a tendency to hold on and be unwilling to share with their partner. The partner can feel frustrated and judge this behavior as selfish, while in reality, it’s not a sign of greed. Holding on to things is just a way of feeling safe, thus soothing their core wound of feeling unsafe.

That said, dismissive avoidants have a lot of positive sides too! They tend to be respectful of their partner’s boundaries and need for freedom, and won’t push their partner to open up or share before they feel ready. As opposed to the other insecure attachment styles, people with this attachment style have firm boundaries that they are not afraid to claim.

Ultimately, you desire an easy, meaningful, and fulfilling relationship where you can build trust, form close bonds, and still have the autonomy you desire for yourself.

Contrary to John Bowlby’s initial beliefs about attachment styles, you can change them – if you put the work in. That’s the next focus of this blog!

Watch this video to learn what dismissive avoidants want in a relationship

How To Reprogram Yourself For a Secure Attachment Style

If you recognize yourself as a dismissive avoidant, and you want to become secure, know that it is entirely possible! With the right tools, your relationship history doesn’t matter – you can heal old wounds quickly.

– Understand where your core wounds come from so you know why and how you act the way you do. This will help you approach reprogramming in a more healthy and constructive manner.

– Subconscious reprogramming is a powerful way of becoming secure. Many personal development teachings are based on changing the conscious mind. But since 95% of your mind is subconscious, the conscious mind is just the tip of the iceberg, and working on that alone won’t lead to massive and lasting shifts. There are different science-backed methods and techniques for reprogramming your subconscious – in the Dismissive Avoidant Reprogramming Course, you’ll get tools to apply instantly!

– Develop more self-love and learn to be present with your feelings. Because you already struggle with understanding and processing your emotions, it’s important to take the time out daily to see how and why you feel the way you do. Over time, you’ll develop the ability to recognize your feelings and make the right decision about processing them.

– Manage triggers more effectively. Those core wounds can produce can painful and frustrating triggers that leave you unable to process the next steps. But by learning daily tools and strategies – such as mediation, belief reprogramming, or finding a grounded place of safety within yourself to return to when you feel you aren’t good enough or incapable – you feel more secure in yourself when you’re triggered.

– Practice communicating your needs. It is perfectly fine to need alone time, but it will be better received if you explain it to your partner instead of just ignoring their attempts to connect. They often think – or rather, subconsciously believe – that they don’t have the right to have needs. Suppressing your needs creates tension, resentment, and conflict, while expressing them opens up for understanding and acceptance. You'll be able to become a securely attached individual helping you find lasting romantic relationships.

– One of the biggest challenges for them is vulnerability. Vulnerability often feels uncomfortable or scary, but it is necessary to experience the fulfillment and satisfaction of a romantic relationship. Just like you don’t buy a gym membership and start with the heaviest weights, you don’t start by opening up fully. Doing so, you can cultivate true emotional intimacy. Set the intention to share one small, vulnerable thing every day for 21 days. You will see that it feels less and less intimidating and soon becomes second nature!

The Next Steps to Heal Your Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

Having a dismissive avoidant attachment style is not a chronic diagnosis – it’s a blueprint for healing and creating stable and connected relationships! Apply the above tips for communication and vulnerability daily, and see your relationships transform.

You can sign up for our Healthy and Secure Relationships with/for the Emotionally Unavailable Person (Dismissive Avoidant Re-programming Course) to start your journey to becoming securely attached.

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