What is Enmeshment Trauma?

Have you every felt that your life is tangled and attached to someone else's? And when you step away, it almost seems traumatic?

You could be dealing with enmeshment trauma.

Unlike more visible forms of trauma, enmeshment doesn’t always look like typical and unfortunate abuse patterns.

It is masked by pressure to show love, guilt disguised as loyalty, and emotional responsibility that was never yours to carry.

That's why if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by someone else’s emotions and struggle to make decisions without second-guessing yourself, or felt guilty for prioritizing your own needs over theirs, you're carrying this trauma in your life.

But, just like other trauma, you can heal it.

In this article, we’ll explore what enmeshment trauma really is, what causes enmeshment trauma, and how to begin untangling from it to reclaim your sense of self!

What is Enmeshment Trauma?

Enmeshment trauma occurs when two or more people in a family dynamic have unclear boundaries between one another.

Consequently, individual feelings, needs, and expectations become unclear. Although this may seem harmless, with enmeshment trauma, you lose your sense of identity, sense of purpose, and tend to repressed feelings of guilt and helplessness in your adult life.

Moreover, you may tend to rebel against enmeshment trauma in adulthood. Often, rebellion comes in the form of rage or anger, and creates a very challenging family or relationship dynamics.

So where does enmeshment begin?

Enmeshment trauma often takes root in childhood, long before we have the tools to recognize what’s healthy and what’s not.

What are the Root Causes of Enmeshment Trauma?

There are many reasons why someone might develop enmeshment trauma throughout your life:

High Expectations from Parents or Caregivers

One way that enmeshment trauma can be caused is by your parents or caregivers who had incredibly high expectations on you as a child. When a parent does not hold space for your individual needs or positively reinforce your emotions, it becomes unclear to you where your ambitions begin and your parents’ end.

Moreover, since you were punished if you did not perform in accordance to your parents’ expectations, you sacrifice your needs to satisfy their caregivers'.

Ultimately, you end up believing that you are who your parents want you to be, rather than who you truly are.

Parental Struggles Lead to Overwhelming Support

Enmeshment trauma can occur when your parent or caregiver is personally struggling, and you watches it. The most important thing to understand about this form of enmeshment trauma is that, as children, we are hardwired to rely on our caregivers for survival.

Therefore, when a parent is struggling, you will often become hypervigilant towards your parent, and sacrifice your needs to help them.

You essentially feel as though if your parent is not okay, you will not be okay. Therefore, if you notice emotional fragility in your caregiver, you will consciously or subconsciously go out of your way to attempt to fix the problem as a means of survival.

As a result, you lose your sense of self as they overcompensate to support your parents’ needs.

Narcissistic Parent or Caregiver

The last common cause of enmeshment trauma occurs when your parent is highly self-involved or narcissistic. This form of enmeshment trauma is similar to the parent who has high expectations for their child in that they project their needs onto their child.

The net result of these three forms of parenting styles is that you abandon your sense of self to satisfy your caregivers demands. Consequently, you will be highly self-sacrificing, and will experience volatility in your adult relationships.

Attachment Styles & Enmeshment Trauma

Enmeshment trauma is very much linked to the formation of your attachment styles. It can a strong impact on those with an anxious preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment styles, forming the basis of their unmet needs, fears of abandonment, and desire to "prove themselves".

This video below has the quick breakdown you need!

How to Heal Enmeshment Trauma

Step 1: Learn How to Reconnect with Yourself

The first step to healing enmeshment trauma is recognizing your needs and boundaries - particularly where other people are involved.

Ask yourself how you truly feel in certain situations, regardless of the expectations of those around you.

For example, if a friend of yours is making a joke at your expense - ask yourself if you find it funny, or if you feel hurt by it. If you feel hurt by it, express that you prefer your friend does not make jokes like that in the future.

By doing this, you can begin to get in better touch with yourself, and help to, over time, develop a better sense of self.

Step 2: Treat Your Needs Equally to the Needs of Others

Often, those who suffer from enmeshment trauma continuously people-please. This is because, on a deeper level, you are fearful of being rejected or abandoned if you cannot meet the expectations of others. You may have learned early on that your value came from being what others needed you to be even at the expense of your own emotions and desires.

But here's the truth: your needs are not a burden. They are not less important, less valid, or less deserving of care than anyone else's. Healing from enmeshment means slowly giving yourself permission to take up space—to say no, to prioritize rest, to speak your truth, even if it risks disappointing someone else.

Step 3: Actively Avoid Self-Abandonment

Ask yourself what matters to you.

For example:

• If you value alone time or sports, do not give those things up to manage your relationships. Yes, you must have balance in the relationships around you, but you must avoid abandoning what matters to you in order to satisfy the expectations others.
• Keep in mind that there is a massive difference between compromise and sacrifice in relationships.
• Compromise is finding a balance between two different needs, whereas sacrifice is completely abandoning your needs for an indefinite period of time.
• Be clear ahead of time about what gives you a sense of self, what you enjoy, and what you should actively give your energy to.

By actively pursuing your needs, you can break the cycle of this trauma bond.

Step 4: Learn How to Get Your Needs Met

Once you recognize what your needs may be, connect with yourself to find how to get them met. If you realize you need comfort, ask yourself:

• What does comfort look like to me?
• How can I express that I need comfort from someone else?
• How do I get what I need in a healthy and safe way?

Ask yourself what the need is, and how specifically you will get that need met. Make sure that your thoughts are framed in a strategic, and action-oriented way.

Step 5: Express Your Needs

Whether it is your need or boundary, you need to express and communicate in your relationships. If you realize you need comfort, tell your partner.

This will enable you to begin building your personal boundaries - it will allow you to be attuned with your partners needs, while eliminating your tendency to self-abandon.

Once you have recognized, strategized, and communicated your true needs and feelings, you will begin to find the sense of identity that may have been lost in your childhood.

The Next Steps to Healing Your Enmeshment Trauma

Healing from enmeshment trauma takes time, compassion, and the right approach. You have the power within you to move away from this attachment and become secure with yourself, and other relationships.

And you don't have to do it alone.

If you are struggling to get started in this healing journey, consider our Healthy Balance in Relationships: Ending Codependency & Enmeshment course.

With guided exercises, expert insights, and real-life strategies, you’ll start to untangle from the patterns that kept you stuck—and finally step into the freedom of being fully, unapologetically you.

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