15 Signs a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Loves You

When looking at research on attachment theory, it can be difficult to understand if someone with an insecure attachment style really loves you. This is especially true if you’re in a relationship with someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style.

Someone with a fearful avoidant lover might not know how to interpret their partner’s behavior. This is because they may actually exhibit love avoidant behavior, considering they typically yearn for time to themselves and fear getting too attached.

In many cases, that leads to them being attracted to chaotic relationships.

It’s important to understand that people with a fearful avoidant attachment style spent their childhoods craving deep connection and love, and rarely got it. They have attachment trauma fears as a result, and falling in love can make them feel entirely out of control.

Before we get to that, let's look at the signs to know you're dating a fearful avoidant.

How Do You Know You're Dating a Fearful Avoidant?

Firstly, you know if you're dating a fearful avoidant?

There are some positive and negative things you should look out for.

Let's start with the good stuff:

• They are passionate and crave fun and novelty.
• Have a desire for a deep connection and a positive, healthy relationship.
• They want to feel grounded in a relationship.
• Empathetic and can often “read” people well.
• They value freedom and independence.

Now for the negative signs that you're dating a fearful avoidant:

• They experience extreme emotional highs and lows.
• They tend to have emotional outbursts because of pent-up resentment.
• Fears abandonment, intimacy, vulnerability, and commitment.
• They can struggle to set healthy boundaries, communicate needs, and are prone to pleasing people.
• Can get trapped in cycles of breaking up and making up.
• Hypervigilant with a strong sense for changes in behavior.

Long story short: Fearful avoidants desire a deep connection and lasting love, but they often fear they'll be betrayed, abandoned, or lose their sense of self within a relationship.

It also means people with fearful avoidant attachment styles have a hard time expressing love. They might say something like “I’m very happy with you” and assume their partner knows that means they’re falling in love.

But if you’re actually in a relationship with someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style, hearing a phrase like “I’m very happy with you” instead of “I love you” can feel confusing.

With that in mind, here are the top signs that someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style loves you.

15 Signs Someone With a Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style Loves You

1) They text you often.

Suppose you’re in a relationship with someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style, and you notice that they’re willing to take initiative when it comes to communication and making plans. In that case, that’s a sign that they love and care about you.

Additionally, you may notice that they’re very direct and openly express their attraction to you. This is a form of vulnerability for someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style.

2) They tell you that the feelings they have toward you are overwhelming.

Hearing that your partner is “overwhelmed” by how they feel about you may not initially feel like a compliment or a good sign at all. But it’s likely that by saying this, they’re trying to gage your reaction and understand how you’re feeling.

This can make it so that they don’t feel quite as vulnerable and out of control: They’re not just taking the temperature on your feelings but expressing their own feelings in a way that feels safe for them.

They’re likely trying to gauge your reaction to understand your feelings better.

3) They’re very present with you.

In the early stages of dating and falling in love, those with a fearful avoidant attachment style tend to be very present. This may change later on, but in the beginning, as they’re falling in love, they tend to give a lot of their time, energy, and be very present.

They’ll make you feel seen and heard. They will be able to really take in what you’re saying, listen actively, and ask questions.

4) They’ll be available to you even when you’re not physically around each other.

As a general rule, people with a fearful avoidant attachment style tend to be very “out of sight, out of mind” creatures. This is because reaching out to people makes them feel vulnerable and activates a fear of abandonment.

When someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style is really interested, however, they will have the ability to be present and take initiative even when you’re not with them.

5) They open up to you about past memories and traumas.

People with a fearful avoidant attachment style tend to have a very hard time being vulnerable. But if you’re in love with them, they may be more willing to be vulnerable in the form of opening up about past memories, situations, emotional fearful triggers, and traumas that occurred in their childhood.

6) They’re willing to apologize and take accountability.

People with a fearful avoidant attachment style often feel justified in their suffering due to past trauma. A willingness to apologize is a sign that they’re willing to do something that feels uncomfortable and ultimately grow in a relationship with you.

7) They’ll step out of their comfort zone for you.

When someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style really loves you, they’re willing to make big plans and will make an effort to talk about the future and do things outside their comfort zone for you.

This can come in the form of a physical experience—like going rock climbing with you, even if they’re terrified of heights—or an emotional one, like talking openly about their feelings and the future.

8) They’ll use phrases like, “I see a big future with you, but it scares me.”

This is someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style’s way of putting out feelers to say, “Look, I’m feeling all these things but they scare me at the same time.” This is their way of trying to stay in the relationship and move forward while keeping their power and their guard up.

9) They admit when they’re feeling afraid.

Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style might say something like, “I’m feeling a lot, and I’m scared you’re going to hurt me. I want to know what you’re feeling too.” An admission of fear isn’t easy for someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style, so this—along with asking what you’re feeling—is a big deal.

10) They’ll admit to wanting to be close to you, even if indirectly.

A phrase like “I really miss you” is huge coming from someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style. It’s a sign that they want to say in close proximity to you, and while it isn’t exactly the words “I love you,” it’s very close.

11) They’ll ask you a lot of questions about your feelings.

If someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style asks you lots of questions, that’s a sign that they love you. They may say things like, “Where’s your head at? What do you think about the future? My feelings scare me sometimes, how do you feel about your feelings?”

12) They let you in on a secret or two.

Sharing secrets is not easy for a fearful avoidant. They tend to be private and secretive with themselves. It's not like they're hiding something; they're reserved in their feelings. So if they open up about a secret or two, it means they trust you enough.

13) You meet their friends and family.

Meeting the family and friends of a fearful avoidant is a huge step for them. If they invite you to an outing with their close friends, they want you to become a part of their life and this exclusive circle of trust.

14) They show you their weaknesses.

Fearful avoidants have the core wounds (negative beliefs someone has about themselves that affect their lives) of "I am weak when I am overly emotional or available to others." They believe if they are vulnerable to others, they're weak. So, if they are opening up or willingly showing their weakness, that's a massive moment for them.

15) They become or say they're committed

Due to their upbringing, fearful avoidants tend to avoid commitment because they relate love to pain. However, if they're openly becoming or saying they're committed, it means they've moved past that stage and are ready for lifelong relationships.

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How to Form Relationships with Fearful Avoidants

Being in a relationship with someone with an insecure attachment style can be really difficult, especially if you have an insecure attachment style yourself.

While knowing the signs of love from someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style can be helpful, taking courses through The Personal Development School can help you cope with these issues in a more longterm way.

You can start by searching for our Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain (Re-Programming the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style) course.

It's the perfect course to give you insight into fearful avoidants. You can even share it with your partner!

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